This episode talks about mental health, if this is a sensitive subject for you, feel free to skip.

Coming out of adolescence and throughout my adult life I have had troubles with my sleep. Specifically waking up in the morning. One of the things I had loved the most at Epitech, the university I had gone to, was that it was open 24/7. You didn't have to get up in the morning. In fact, my best years there were when I spent the afternoon and night working on campus. Unfortunately, as I did the internships and later my first full time jobs, it was always mandatory to get to work before a certain time. I had always struggled with this. In fact, I almost got fired from my first internship because I was always late. Fortunately for me, because of the quality of my work, I would get scolded a few times but the managers and other engineers would end up covering me afterwards.

In each new job, after a few weeks, I would explain to my manager that I had troubles waking up. All the managers I had would eventually cover me. My sleep issues were due to several things: medication, stress, anxiety and other issues I could not understand at the time. I had an extremely hard time falling asleep and equally hard time waking up. I had set up an alarm app on my phone that would ring at maximum volume until I would solve a series of math problems. This forced me to wake up for some time. I eventually had to increase the difficulty of these problems as, over time, they would not wake me up anymore.

The psychiatrist that I was seeing was doing her best. My medication dosage was increased for a better stabilization effect and I was prescribed “on-demand” medication to help. The weekly sessions with the therapist were a tremendous help. At work, I was able to debug code and trace signals of computers but, all the knowledge, all that skill was useless on my brain. I had to rely on them to do my brain’s debugging. They would trace ideas in my neural circuitry and debug my thoughts to make my life easier.

These years were rough. You can tell just by looking at my last.fm statistics. I was able to endure because I had work stability. I had to go to work on weekdays. I had tasks that I finished and results from them. I was praised for my work. This balanced out the personnel mental hardships. To this day, I keep wondering, what would have happened if my managers were not tolerant? What would've happened if my condition was so debilitating that I could not accomplish my tasks? Even though it was sometimes almost unbearable, I cannot imagine how much harder it would have been if I did not have a stable job and stable income.

In a sense, I owe my life to some aspects of the tech industry. The privilege of being able to systemically show up late to work and not be fired. The privilege of being able to contradict my superior's tasks or orders and get away with it. The privilege of a high paying job just out of university. I am grateful. I am grateful to Gregoire, to Shine, to Régis and all the previous managers. I am grateful to my friends and family. It would have been so much harder without you all.

Almost imperceptibly, I was starting to feel a turn in my life. From all the chaos and darkness I was starting to see light. As time passed while I was in the lab, I found purpose. I found accomplishment. I started to find a sense in my life.

This is an important subject for me. It was a battle that only I could fight. Invisible to others. Incomprehensible to others. Mental health professionals were instrumental in saving me. It’s so dear to me because how many people have we lost in their battle against themselves? How many have we lost because they didn't know they could see professional help? Or didn't have access to one? Or simply the privilege of showing up late to work everyday… If you, or anyone you know is having trouble processing their life, there are people whose job it is to help you. They will trace your signals and debug your brain for you. It’s already a hard battle. Please seek professional help. (1)

As my condition slowly improved over time, I was assigned a new task. A new hardware board. A simple board that was about to become a major cornerstone of my career. This board would become my first storage product.

Hotlines you can call or that you can send to people who are dear to you :

• For UAE : 800 4673 (8am to 8pm)
• For France : 3114 (24/7)
• For USA : 988 (24/7)

More information for hotlines can be found here​

To pair with :

• Suicidal Thoughts - The Notorious B.I.G.
• A Single Man by Christopher Isherwood