This episode talks about mental health, if this is a sensitive subject for you, feel free to skip.

At work I was able to overcome a lot of issues on the assigned tasks. I was able to pick up every piece of knowledge or tool required to make the hardware work. I was able to create every required feature. Greg, my manager, was happy with my work. Arnaud, the CEO, was happy with my work. As well as everyone in the company as far as I could tell. Out of work, however, it was a different story. Since my first year of master at Epitech, five years back, I had been having episodes of deep depression.
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I believe that for this story, the one you are reading, to paint the full picture, parts of my private story also have to be told. I believe that only if I share inner and outer struggle can this journey make sense.

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I was living two wavelengths at the same time. The high energy mostly regular one in the work life and the irregular sometimes barely going on in private.
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I stayed late at work because I loved the work, I loved solving problems. But I also stayed late at work because when I got home, I was very lonely. I organized dinners with university friends, I tried to date, I went out to bars with co-workers, but still, I felt empty. My private world was gray like the Parisian sky and my spirit was black like Parisian’s favorite clothing color. I was seeing a therapist and taking medicine to stabilize my soul.
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In a previous work experience, I had learned that you should not share anything about mental health at work. It weirded out people. Co-workers were not people you talked with about your private life. I had the same experience with some friends. Some even told me to my face that I had to be lying. As for my family, it was hard for them to understand. I had a good job, a good salary, a lot of friends and a loving family, what would be missing? I was living a privileged life like most people working in the tech industry. So I didn't have a right to really complain. So, I closed up, I put on a mask and deliberately tried to keep the two wavelengths from getting anywhere close to each other.

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The work I accomplished was my self worth. The problems I solved brought value into my life. I kept going because I was passionate about my work. I was passionate about the hardware and the software. I needed to make it awesome.
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I marched on.
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1. https://www.ysl.com/en-lv/collections/la-maison-men-winter-24-show

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If you have missed it, you can read the previous episode here​

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To pair with :

• L'enfant seul - Oxmo Puccino
• Les Travailleurs de la mer (Toilers of the Sea) by Victor Hugo